I simply have had enough. I need NEVER have worked as I already have been dead twice, had half a lung burnt away by chlorine and part of my brain removed. I have done fifty thousand injections and had a tube the size of a pencil stuck in at my groin and pushed to the neck while fully awake - first time they made a mistake so did it again. I have worked, saved the country quarter of a million pounds them by not needing to pay me benefits, and the amount of voluntary work I have done for the country is FAR more than average - one of the VERY YOUNGEST fully qualified cub scout leaders in the country and in 1996 did the Swimathon, a national sponsered swim of five thousand metres, which is two hundred lengths or more than three miles. I lost my lung in a swimming pool. I was "fired" about five years ago for having an epileptic fit at work, as I did in the pool, and that is when the problems started. My first house I owned ENTRIELY in just four years. My house before my current one only had £30-35,000 mortgage and was worth £145,000. When our child (my step daughter) started school my wife wanted to move closer to it as she was pregnangt. I should have said no, as it was only a 20 to 25 minute walk, and one year later she could have learnt how to drive. Houses were not selling at all five years ago, so we ended up re-mortgaging it on a "buy to let" mortgage, still keeping one quarter of its value as equity. The rest of the money was our deposit - about £70,000 - on a house that cost £184,000 plus expenses. We also have a mortgage of £110,000 on the previous house. Various other things have happened to me/us - like me going into a coma just after walking in through the front door of a hospital, due to the stress messing up my diabets, being falsly accused (as proven by professionals) of sexually assulting a minor (my sister) when she was 15 and me 17. This was due to her getting ALL of my fathers inheritance, and her needing a reason why she did not need to even offer us a loan. Money was short as my wife had had to give up her job due to me dropping our 6 month old son due to going hypoglyceamic, because of stress, caused by taking my last employer to court messing up my diabetes severly. All of this might has influenced why I feel like killing myself - my wife went to the Philippines, where she and my daughter are from, on 5 December 2011 and was due back on 25 January 2012. I had spent HOURS tidying up the house - like cleaning my sons bedroom ENTIERLY even shampoing carpet and fitting new lighting system and making both the kids bathroom and the kitchen look BRAND NEW by removing everything AFTER it had been washed, even if clean. Then scrobbing all work surfaces etc. When nearly finisheed in the kitchen there was a knock on the door 26 hours before my wife was due to land in Manchester. It was two plain clothed police officers, and I instantly thought that they could only bring bad news - my wife was injusred or dead after the plane had crashed, as it takes that long to fly from the Philippines to Manchester. It was bad news, but simply to tell me that she was not coming home. She was in the country but not back with me. Why? I have NEVER even touched her, like pushed her away if she got too near, because that sort of thing has never happened. In seven years we have only shouted at each other once. Raised voices, yes, but shout? No! I have only tapped the childrens bottoms when they were too young to understand the "naughty step". Treated my daughter as MY daughter, and she shows that by, when I sat on the settee, without prompting putting her head in my lap while she lay along the settee.I missed giving her kisses as when younger I teased her by rubbing my stubble against her cheek softly, but had got too old for that. Suddenly she says "daddy are you not giving me a kiss" DADDY from a nine year olfd! Children cannot be made to show love like that. My sone at the age of three and a half could do a screww on his toys to change a battery. I have VERY dry skin (on medicine for it), and while I sat at the computer he would come with cream in his hands and apply it onto my face. I would always have given my life for them, but now my wife has taken them away and I do not even know where she is. It is now four weeks since I received the message and 79 days since I last saw and spoke to the little ones. Looking wound the house I have found loads of things, like an outline of my fathers will that she had. We were short of money and yet it appears that she might have actually got some! I found a W.I.S.H. card - which means Womens Institute for Safe Housing. That is understandable for battered women etc. I found a telephone number for a female police officer that deals with physically abused and battered women. I NEVER TOUCHED HER!!! Due to leaving I have lost the child tax credit, carers allowance as my wife was my carer and child support, which in total comes to about £650. At the very same time the council has also stopped paying the rent for the other house, so that is another £450 lost. Suddenly instead of getting £2400 I am only getting about £750. If I had stayed at the other house that would have been fine. But here? No way! Especially as the other house is now negative asset, due to the estate agent not fulfilling its contract and the house being ruined - illegally rewired, windows and french door ruined etc etc - lost £40,000 there. I honestly now feel that there is nothing left worth living for. I am on an insulin pump which is programmable. I take 0.5 units per house, but can go up to 25. I have sleeping tablets and had even got the petrol. I worked as a receptionist in the psychiatric department of the local hospital, so gave myself in. It is useless though, and all they do is pop in for five minutes or ring me. No help at all regarding things like the bills. I have gone from having an immaculate credit rating - never overdrawn, paying monthly Visa card bill off in full and state of owning first house enitrely or most of it in the previous house - to near as damn it bankrupt. I have NEVER felt my heart hurt so much, I now know why the picture of a broken heart is like they show it - ripped was a jaggered edge. All I can think of is my wife the kids and finance. I wondered was I used to get her into England through marriage, and then to ensure that she was not sent home, even though both her and MY daughter (adopted soon after arriving) were now registered as British, I was used as a sperm donner? I reskon that she has used me, but I love her, and of course the kids. Even though I have saved the country so much I am not entitled to leagal aid - so cannot afford a solicitor!! How will I ever see them? Did she have money via that will which could have saved all this trouble? I saw on Facebook hundreds of photos of her and the children and other relatives all at the beach - logical in the Philippines. I have only spent about ten days by the beach, out of the three or four months that I have been there. NEVER have I been with the children to see them play in the sand and water. I think that I have been used and now she has gone to start a new life, no bills/debts etc along with two massive mortgages, but left me with them. I have hardly slept and even though diabetic have hardly eaten at all. In the first eight days I lost four kilos, or nearly nine pounds. I have been trying to do that, only just two kilos needed though, for months. My jeans are now too loose! My life is just not worth it though. How can I get out of this? If I sell both houses the government will then say I have lots of money, so pay your own rent and bills, and no need even for assistance with food etc. I will not have enough for a very poor house, and no mortgage would be available for me. I would have to get down to £16,000 before any help would be available. Why did I even f*cking bother working? Due to memory problems due to brain op I have ALWAYS struggled at work, and my first job I simply HAD to do fifty hours EVERY week. Why should I continue, and then leave even more for my wife? If I try to burn down the house, but somehow am saved from the alchohol, full weeks sleeping tablets all at same time and massive overdose of insulin before the fire is started what would happen to me regarding convictions? I would put petrol all round the house in bottles and on carpet/walls etc. This would be lit by having gas coming out of fire and cooker but not lit, and then a drill or other motorised electric thing turned on, but on a timer switch. That would ignite the gas which would light the petrol. Front windows would be covered by closed curtains at night time with big boards of plywood to cover them, so the fire would not be seen outside until it really was burning. Even if not killed by the fire then smoke or overdose should work. As I just said what would happen if somehow I was saved? If the house is guttered then my wife would also be ruined, due to massive mortgage not being covered by a shell of bricks. Please help. Sorry this is sooo long! Richard